Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Arrgh, what's the point?!

Last time I fell in love: I was happy with myself. It was after I took a 4 year breaks from relationships, men, dating, all that nonesense. I focused on what made me happy and re-built myself. I was in the process of making my dream come true career-wise. And although I was quite far from reaching my goals in that area, I was confident it will happen and had that blind optimism.
I was also naive enough to think that it would be possible to meet a true love, soul mate, whatever way you wanna call it. And I did. Than things didn't work out. But we stayed friends and he's still in my life in a very real way. He's the closest thing I have to a family. At the same time, we both know we are not and will never be a couple again.

Of course, it took a long time to come to this realization, a lot of pain to go through. And when I finally re-emerged out of the other side of the tunnel, I was happy with my life again, happy with myself and who I am... And than met someone else. Do you notice a pattern? The moment you get satisfied with being one, being single, being alone, being yourself... Relationship lands on your lap. Only to end up in another crisis, making you lose your centre of balance, making you question your own identity which was shaken to the core by the penetration of another being into your life, and its sudden abandonment.

It's been almost 3 months since my latest breakup. I'm starting to feel the edges of my silhouette and get a sense of completion just by being me. I often feel lonely on weekends and in the evening when the work day is over and I've done all my chores, and contemplate the prospects of dating again. But wouldn't that just bring me to the same bend in the road again? Losing my happy self again when it's over?

So I ask you my friends: What's the point?

Friday, April 02, 2010

Relationships are an illusion...

This blog has been abandoned for over two years now. Life took over. This blog was originally a break-up project, something to keep my mind off (or on) a major breakup that happened with what I still consider the love of my life, but like all the relationships I had so far, didn't work out.

The whole shoe and socks buying and blogging thing was a nice distraction from my misery and also a way to get my ex to pay attention to me even after we broke up. I know, this sounds terribly immature. But this blog is a place where I can be honest. Because probably no one ever reads it really.

Three years and another broken relationship later, I'm even more bitter, cynical and hopeless than I've ever been before. When I see people in a relationship all I can think about is that it's only a question of time, and theirs will be over too. I can see the faults or the fucked up interaction between couples when I hear them calling each other on their iPhones, or meeting up for lunch. It's all so temporary and hopeless.

Whatever was left of the naive and romantic me has been drowned time and time again in failed relationships. By now, I'm completely disillusioned about marriage and relationships and, unfortunately, completely immune to falling in love ever again.

After all, falling in love is the only thing that makes two strangers choose to share the same roof, split their genetic code and other assets, and settle for something that is so fickle and unreliable. I'm so jaded.