Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Arrgh, what's the point?!

Last time I fell in love: I was happy with myself. It was after I took a 4 year breaks from relationships, men, dating, all that nonesense. I focused on what made me happy and re-built myself. I was in the process of making my dream come true career-wise. And although I was quite far from reaching my goals in that area, I was confident it will happen and had that blind optimism.
I was also naive enough to think that it would be possible to meet a true love, soul mate, whatever way you wanna call it. And I did. Than things didn't work out. But we stayed friends and he's still in my life in a very real way. He's the closest thing I have to a family. At the same time, we both know we are not and will never be a couple again.

Of course, it took a long time to come to this realization, a lot of pain to go through. And when I finally re-emerged out of the other side of the tunnel, I was happy with my life again, happy with myself and who I am... And than met someone else. Do you notice a pattern? The moment you get satisfied with being one, being single, being alone, being yourself... Relationship lands on your lap. Only to end up in another crisis, making you lose your centre of balance, making you question your own identity which was shaken to the core by the penetration of another being into your life, and its sudden abandonment.

It's been almost 3 months since my latest breakup. I'm starting to feel the edges of my silhouette and get a sense of completion just by being me. I often feel lonely on weekends and in the evening when the work day is over and I've done all my chores, and contemplate the prospects of dating again. But wouldn't that just bring me to the same bend in the road again? Losing my happy self again when it's over?

So I ask you my friends: What's the point?


Blogger Chris said...

Eh, it'll work out at some point. At least that's what I hear people say... Usually to me on the same subject. Gooooood times.

6:40 PM  
Blogger Theresa di Moan said...

Indeed! Glad to know I'm not the only one in the boat. But feelings never stay the same. I'm changing and so are my attitudes.

11:07 PM  

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